So, what have you brought in for us today?

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One of the most enduring and popular shows the BBC has ever produced is Antiques roadshow. It gives the general public to the chance to bring in any old, literally old, tat they could find in there’s or their dead relatives attic/garage. The hope of the show is that somewhere in some town old Mrs Miggins’s great grandmother had an affair with Rembrant and he paid her off with a selfie that could net millions. Obviously, this almost never happens, and people just end up quieting for 5 hours in the boiling sun a with a musket for the arms and militaria stand. It would have been lovely to see some antique crystal chandeliers on the show. A bit like the ones you can find on .

As soon as the theme tune comes on Brandenberg Concerto No 3, like you care, come on we know exactly where we are. Cut straight away to Fiona Bruce looking her usual upper middle class jolly hockey sticks self, welcoming us to some out of the way National Trust property or member of the historic Homes UK set that is hosting the thing. Little tip for Fiona, who you have to feel a bit sorry for as she has become, whether she likes it or not, the “thinking late middle age to early old age man’s crumpet” as most tabloids would have her cast, go in the house, you’ll find loads of proper antiques in there.

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To be fair that would rather spoil the fun and Fiona does do a little piece to camera about the stately pile they’ve rocked up to that week anyway. It’s the tat that Joe Public has brought in that we want to see. In fact, it’s a bit like the antiques version of X Factor. It would take hours and hours for the experts to go through everything that comes in to be valued so, like on the X Factor where there are execs wandering around listening out for the good and truly awful to put in front of Cowell et al, so it is in the Roadshow. If poor Lennox Cato was left on his own to look at every bit of teak reproduction dining room table that people had carted in then he would have gone mad years ago, and rightly so because everyone has a breaking point.

Its not been without success, a scale model of the Angel of the North, a prototype, was valued at a million pounds as was the third FA Cup ever to be used dating back to when the cup competition started that someone jut happened to have knocking around. If you want to make the show moderately exciting just play the game the Royale Family did and see who gets closest with their estimation. Whoever loses gets the teas in.

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